by MSc Gvapo Tripinovic

What are the primary roles of a father?

While growing your children a father must be aware that he is constantly observed, analyzed, and replicated in actions and behaviors. What a father shows to his children is what children will be looking at as their first hero and raw model they will try to become. Father’s words and actions will mark them for life. Both boys and girls.

Empty words, statements, promises to mean only that a father is not reliable, not constant, and does not have discipline. Children are smart and very observant. A father always needs to show his children that whatever he asks from them to become, a father himself must be that very same thing first.

Father’s words need to be followed by his actions and consistency. When a father gives his children a promise it needs to be fulfilled. This, as his character trait, will always be remembered: “My father is reliable.” Father’s reliability needs to be extended to the whole family, so children may learn that their father is a reliable partner to their mother too, which will prove to them that he is consistent and that they can count on him for a lifetime. Due to that, it is of the utmost importance that children inherit their father’s confidence, competence, moral and ethical values, discipline and working habits, respect, and compassion for their loved ones.

What makes a father a good father?

The answer to this lies within a question that each father should ask himself every moment since the birth of his child: How to be a dad and not just a father?

The simple truth is that almost any man can become a father but being called a dad is a completely different level of achievement. Being called a dad and not just a father is what I am, as a parent, striving for.

It does not matter if a father is biological, stepfather, married, divorced, straight, gay, works from the office or from home if the family is dual or single income. The main fact always remains the same. The nowadays updated father can contribute to his children’s lifetime wellbeing, success, and happiness by providing support, encouragement, financial backing, care, and discipline. But, as very nicely stated in the American Psychological Association article, The changing role of the modern-day father (apa.org), for a father the most important role is to be and remain a permanent and loving presence in his children’s lives.

How can a father encourage children to be successful and independent?

One of the main father roles is a role of positive encouragement. Not by force, but by motivating your children and giving them a role model to look up to. Whenever is possible I always tend to be that model or to find the best example I can. Sometimes that can be a cousin who did something with his life, a courageous firefighter, or an ER doctor who is doing their best to save other people’s lives.

Father’s role is to be there for his children so they can be courageous, and not be afraid to make calculated risks on their own path. Father’s role is to help his children to face their fears and discomforts knowing that their father is there to support them until they are ready. Father’s role is to be a pillar of support so his children can build up their will, get stronger, obtain new skills, to elevate so they could move on alone and face new challenges. Father’s role is to make his children stronger, more capable, happier, healthier, and more productive human beings.

10 Tips for dads on how to build and develop relationships with their kids

What does it mean to be a father in the first place?

To be a father is to have a lot of new responsibilities, to be lost in them, to take care of a new life and help it make its own happy and worthful life. To be a father means to always learn, develop, to have oceans of patience, and enjoy the entire process.

Father always needs to be respectful to his partner and his children. The core of every relationship, family is a bond. As strong the bond between the father, his partner, and his children is the stronger the family is. In our time father needs to work the most to nourish this bond by caring, supporting, motivating, and respecting by first and utmost his partner. The children will see that, feel that, and learn by mirroring it.

In our time the role of a father is not predefined as it was in the past thousands of years. We, fathers, live in interesting times. Many things, roles, and responsibilities are changing, and we do not have a manual about what to do. All we have is an extensive list of studies, our good reasoning, and a sense of what to do with all that information. And that can be overwhelming and confusing. We will make many mistakes, but we must improve and learn from each other, from fathers to fathers, exchange experiences and how we did something good which helped our children.

Just a few decades ago, fathers have been family key figures, providers, and decision-makers. For good and for bad. Today, more than two-thirds of women with children under six years old work, Employment Characteristics of Families – 2021 (bls.gov), while those with children older than six this goes to close to 80%, which drastically shifted the time mothers can spend with their children. There are many studies related to this topic, yet I could not find so many which are related to the changing role and working behaviors of fathers. At least not so detailed and thorough.

What this makes for a father is new and unknown territory which is threatening, challenging, scary, yet fulfilling, and joyful.

The truth is that while we, as fathers, have an opportunity to spend more time with our children than ever before in history is amazing and we should use it as much as we can. On the other side, fathers are overtaking some roles of mothers or it would be better to say are extending their roles. More than ever fathers engage in raising the children and spending time with them. The effect of this is “both man and woman report greater satisfaction in couples in which the fathers were more involved in child care than in couples in which fathers were less involved in child care”, A-model-of-fathers-behavioral-involvement-in-child-care-in-dual-earner-families.pdf (researchgate.net), Journal of Family Psychology.

This new, everchanging environment, requires a father to be always ready to face his own anxiety, constant emotional and personal upheavals, to make professional adjustments, to be tolerant and farsighted. Without balancing this complex and conflicting interest within itself, within the family, and within professional and social environments father can fail in his first duty – to put his children’s needs in first place.

For this transition in thinking and facing reality, a father must understand this transition. That he is not alone and independent anymore. A new life, a child, depends on him to understand that. His partner needs him to understand that and that a woman’s place is not to stay the entire day with children, but to have her own fulfilled life and be in a position to bring extra good to the family. A woman will have a tough time and unhappy life if her partner, the father of her children does not understand that simple and particularly important fact.

Answering the question “What does it means to be a father in the first place?” is not just what defines a father’s relationship with his children, but with his partner too. Those two things are intertwined and inseparable. To be a father in a first-place father needs to constantly adapt and evolve, but he needs to allow this too to his wife, to his partner. That way they can both share responsibilities, obligations, and working hours, have a chance to change, to bring new experiences and opportunities so their children can prosper and emotionally develop into a healthy individual.

Survival guide for new father

Bruce Feiler, Becoming a Working Dad (hbr.org), provides useful tips which I find, personally, very similar to my own experience.

The next four tips should help you prepare and survive your first year as a father.

1. Will becoming a father change my life?

It will. Accept it. Embracing the fact that the changes in our life, as new fathers, are eminent. Life as we knew it has passed and we need to prepare for the new, most important, role of our lives. This starts as soon as we know that our partner is carrying, and we should better do our best to prepare for what is to come. Deluding ourselves that we have plenty of time during the pregnancy is something we should not do.

This is an excellent period to put a list of the most important things we need to do to optimize our time for the most important things we will need to do to keep our lives, emotions, and income stabile as the new family member is knocking on the door. Pregnancy time is barely enough for this. So, father, do not lose your time, be practical, and systematic in making what matters the most and work hard to be prepared as much as possible. The more you prepare the better it is as you will never be fully ready for it. Do not be shy. Read books, and articles like this one, talk to your parents and talk to your friends and cousins who have some experience and who can help you not to collapse during the first weeks of parenthood.

2. How should a new father cope with the feelings and emotions?

New fathers will be overwhelmed with emotions that can crush them. Yet, as your partner has taken the brunt of changes in her life over the past nine months the least new fathers can do is to help her now and not to fail on the first step of parenthood.

I am sure you will find and hear many different pieces of advice which can be conflicting. I can mention my own experience which works for me. Make a ritual. Small, quick. Something you will find reassuring. It can be some small gest by hand, some sentence, prayer, or a combination. To understand this do the following. For the start, put the TV on and switch to some sports channel. Sounds good so far, I am sure of it. Now watch closely your favorite rugby star, tennis, baseball, or NBA player. All of them have their small rituals when they need to give their best when they need to score. Someone will laugh at this advice but bear in mind the following. All these are the top sports players in the world and all of them have their small rituals. These rituals are particularly important as while we repeat them, we should focus on positive thoughts and remind ourselves that, as a father, we have the most vital role in our life. With time, same as these top athletes focus to make the score, prepare to make the score yourself. One score at a time and then focus on the next.

When you feel overwhelmed, the good advice would be to talk to the other fathers and mothers. Sharing your burden will help release the stress. You will hear other good examples of how some issues are solved. Humans are social beings, and we live in a time when sharing information is faster and easier than ever. Use it to your advantage.

3. How to survive as a new father?

After the first fears are faced, new experiences are gained, and life starts to have a new and strange rhythm following the wimps of your child, the new father will be challenged with the temptation to go back to the “old normal days.” Do not fall into that illusion as that will not happen. Your old life is gone. New father must shed these dreams away and talk to other young parents with a similar understanding of parenthood. Encourage each other. Share time together while you take your children out. Talk and encourage each other with the positive aspects of being a father. Give yourself relief about the “sacrifices” you are making. You will feel better.

Stay away from your “free” friends as they may make you feel bad, they most probably will not understand you as they do not have the knowledge to. They can tempt you with their stories about a single and free lifestyle. Do not do that to yourself. At least not in the beginning or until they become parents on their own.

4. What should new fathers look for?

Once a new father accepts that the old life is no more, he will need a new value to guide him in life and which should meaningfully fulfill his role as a parent. New life should have adjusted goals, environment, and social groups which will share and reflect the new reality. Searching for these new interests and new friends’ father will be in a position to discover and embrace a whole new world full of challenges, achievements, and creativity.

Becoming skillful in making new, effective, and very precise schedules with your partner, with your work duties, kindergarten schedules, and moving in at least some small workouts to relieve pain in the back and muscles. If you do not know what I am talking about you will very soon.

As a new father, I learned that strange color combinations and ugly toys should be proudly worn and taken around as the biggest prizes. You should understand that the simple, half-rotten, stick or dirty rock can bring much more fun and joy than the expensive toy you have just purchased. Do not discuss it. Live with it, find another stick and rock and join the fun. You kid will appreciate it greatly.

Try to find a common language with your company about the option to work from home, to have flexible working hours during the day, if possible, to have compressed working hours. Not so far ago these have been considered exotic requests, but now more companies are hearing this and becoming flexible from their own side introducing new software to help their employees cope with the new challenges and to still feel worthy and productive. If you are lucky to work for such a company prove to your management that they have been right to trust you. Find time and will to bring them the results. It will not be unnoticed. Many of them are parents too.

What is being a dad like?

Being a dad is like doing the most complicated, most responsible, and most fulfilling job that a person can imagine.

As Dr. Gail Gross, wrote in his HuffPost article, The Important Role of Dad | HuffPost Life, the main reward of being a father is to hear this: “Thank you, job well done.” That is a father’s purpose, and legacy, that is what a father’s life is all about and should always be.

From the dawn of time, we can always hear what is the meaning of life, what is our purpose on this earth, and what is my role in this universe. The issue is that we look too far while the answer to all those monumental questions is, right next to us. The purpose, the meaning, and the most important role is to be the best father you can be. To be called a dad with affection. For a father to pass his knowledge and morality to his children and to hear that: “Thank you dad. You did an excellent job, and we love you because of it.“ That is what is all about what is being a dad like.

This is a final phase and reward for the most important job you ever had, and which will last for as long as you live. Fatherhood is a constant play of a game in which rules are constantly changing. Some of the life updates are predictable and can be anticipated, but many come with a bug that needs to be solved “on the go.” Good father, a dad, will find out that he has become quite skillful in moving on from one level to the next gaining new skills and powers which are applicable and useful for the next stage and across your life. All the new challenges firstly looked impossible and overwhelming, but a good father will overcome them with enough time given.

To be a dad means that you will constantly be faced with challenges, real and imaginary fears, but when you look at your children all you will see is love, affection, discovery, wonder and pride. If you can feel this, you will know that you did an excellent job. That you are not just a father, you are a dad.

To read more about this check my article “Updated father.”