What does it mean to be an updated father in the first place?
Father needs to be “updated” all the time. Looking back in time, successful fathers needed to adapt rarely and as a reaction to specific events. Fathers of our time need to adapt daily. If we do not, we will get obsolete: information, technology, and trends wise. Father does not wish to become boring, old-fashioned, and unable to understand his children. That is a recipe to make you a bad father.
Although some will not consider that important, I find it crucial to understand our kids living and social environments. The casualties and consequences are very straightforward if proper attention is paid to them. If I do not understand something, I will no longer be able to understand what my children are facing, what are their struggles, what are their challenges, or what my children are striving for. Even if I partially misunderstand this, I will have a broken mirror effect and could react or provide advice which will make things worse and compromise me as a father figure and my father role.
It is something I have learned, both as a father and as a part of top-tier management in a dozen of companies I worked for. I needed to be efficient and effective. To explain it better I will take an example. I can make an enterprise to produce steam machines. My enterprise can produce them to be very efficient, the same way I can, falsely, believe that outdated knowledge as a father is all I need to be successful. But the reality is that I cannot make many sales of that very efficient steam machines despite their perfection and all care and knowledge I put into making them. My enterprise would fail as I would as a parent. Yet, if I follow the technological and social trends, if I constantly learn new skills and update my knowledge so I can practically implement them, then I will make good sales, and my enterprise will prosper. Thus, I have become not only efficient in making things, but I have also become effective in selling them and progressing further. This business way of thinking is the same we can apply when interacting with our children. I understood very clearly that if I intend to become a good father, I need to follow recent technologies and trends my kid is interested in or may be affected by. Do I like it or not is irrelevant. My main goal is to be and stay a good father, and I will do everything in my powers and abilities to be that.
By not thinking that way I would follow one of the primary sins – a sin of sloth. Jordan Peterson describes it in his “Maps of Meaning” lecture at the University of Toronto, (20) Jordan B Peterson – YouTube, as a “process of inevitable decay through willful blindness”. This means that I, as a father, can always pretend that the world is not changing that fast and that my, once great, knowledge, strength, integrity, and skills are enough to carry me out as a good parent for a time to come. Guess what? That is a lie! That is just an excuse for me being lazy and blind. Making my abilities and whatever I have to offer to my child go with the wind. If I constantly refuse to put an effort into building up my knowledge it will become outdated and irrelevant. If I do not build my muscles, they will start to atrophy. If I am excusing myself why I cannot find more time to become an always better father, what integrity do I have to offer my child? If I do not find time and will to learn new skills and traits most of my previous abilities will become quite useless if, at least, I don’t update them.
I wish to be a good father. Making myself lazy, blind, and even stupid will not be of any good use to my children despite all the rants I repeat to myself and my family. Good dad needs to be updated and constantly aware of the changes happening on the micro and macro level, in his community, and in the ever-changing world around him. If a father understands the environments his children are facing every day, a father will be in a position to understand them. Updated father will be able to know how to listen to his children, to understand their needs, fears, challenges, and desires. Then, and only then, a father will be able to provide proper advice and support his children deserves and help them accordingly. If a father is not updated, he is simply selfish.
How do I stop being a selfish father?
First, a father needs to be ready to “waste” all the time which is not essential to his role as a provider and good partner. All the remaining time should be committed to his children.
Advice: Be protective of the time you have dedicated to spend with your children. Nothing can interfere with that period of a day which should be measured in hours, not minutes.
You always need to be there for your kids when they need you. Many times, you will face a “bad moment”. You will have a job to do, a good moment on TV to see, a phone call… and try to skip answering your kid’s call for help with a notion to do that later. But later that moment will pass. You will not be needed later. Your children will quickly learn that you are not there to listen to them when they need you the most, you do not have time to commit to helping them solve their problems, and you must attend to other things first and not their needs… Just try to read this aloud and answer what you think of such a father, and then answer honestly, how many times have you done the same exact things in the past few days?
To stop being a selfish father, you need to be for your children there when they need you. Not later. That exact moment. To understand why and what they need you. If a father is selfish with his time and not updated with the events surrounding his children, then a father is unable to perform in his primary role and purpose. For this to be effective, a father needs to teach his children to respect his time and obligations and not to interrupt him if something is not urgent. Early established mutual respect and understanding are of crucial importance for this to work. Do not say to yourself – kids will not understand it. Kids are smart. They learn fast if the rules are clear and always the same. You will be surprised. Your child may not understand what you are doing but will respect the rules you have mutually established.
Daddy, just this time. Please, please, please.
To achieve mutual respect with children a father must always follow one simple rule, without exceptions. Each parent has faced this more times than a father or a mother can remember. Big eyes, a shy smile, and the words: Can we do this? Just once. Please, please, please.
Kids are smart, manipulative and they will evaluate your will and their boundaries all the time. This is a good thing for them. They are taking initiative and trying to gain something they find important. They will use their intelligence, they will be creative and test their agreements with you to check if they can get a better deal. If you wish to be a good father and have a successful career, you should never fall for this as much as it is hard for you. The first time you say: OK, but just this time… the game is over, and you have lost. The first time you do this, it will be the second, third… The more this goes on, the harder it will be to persuade them why it could work so many times until then, when the exceptions can be made, and when and why not.
Being firm in the agreement you made with your children is not cruel. It is good for you and them. If you work from home, it is the only way. Teaching your children to be respectful of your time and obligations will teach them to be polite and understand other people’s needs. It will build their will and character.
To help them out, you can always try to explain to your kids that if you do not work you won’t be able to buy food, or pay for internet, Netflix, games, and toys they would like to have. Do not be dramatic. Do not overexplain. Do not scare them or bore them with too many details. They will understand those simple facts, although you will need to remind them from time to time.
You can help and motivate your children with the following simple habits that will help them understand your duties better, make them learn new things, and get some nice rewards in the process. All good things for your kids.
Have in mind that people, your kids too, are social and team players. Let them be part of your team. Teach them how to be conformative. Although we like to think about ourselves as strong individuals we are more conformative and agreeable than we think. Make a list of things you do that are specific and unrelated to what other people do or outside some common boundaries. Not a long list, correct? Conformism with a grain of individualism and creativity is a particularly important skill you children should learn to be part of society and adaptable to new social environments – new school, new class friends, teammates…
Involve them in your routine while working. Give your children tasks and goals. Tell them that is a challenge they need to solve. If they manage it, they will get a reward. The interesting-learning part of it is the process of how to achieve their goal using their creativity and imagination, but without interfering with your work.
With this, you will have time to work, while your children will have a task to solve on their own while building up their will, persistence, and creativity. It is not that important in the early stage if the result is correct, although that should be the aim, but to get the process going. Establishing a new working habit. The reward can be some small thing they desire: ice cream, extra time to play with you, a bonus story to hear before bedtime, and additional time to play in the park. Something small but important for your children.
What is a father’s biggest struggle to be a good dad?
As a top-tier manager who worked in more than a dozen local and international companies, the biggest struggle I ever faced was a balance between my wish to keep my professional career growing and being the dad I wanted to become for my newborn son. As much as I tried, I ended up being 5 to 6 days away in the first six months of my son’s life. I felt ashamed. Yet I justified my absence with the thought that I am doing that for my kid. I am sacrificing my time with him so he can have the best quality clothes, the best diapers, organic food, and the best quality toys money can buy… Soon I realized that I was unfair to my wife, who needed to take everything on herself, that I was not seeing my newborn child, and that making money can not buy the lost time. I was physically and emotionally on the edge. I was completely worn out and unhappy. Intending to be a good father I was becoming an absent father, a bad father. Realizing that was crushing.
Researching, I found out that I am not alone. By the data presented, 72% of working dads physically and emotionally worn out – DaddiLife, and 72% of the working dads felt the same. 72%! Most of them do not cope with that at all. Have no solution to this problem.
I was extremely near something I thought could never happen to me – to feel outdated, depressed, unhappy, struggling to be a good dad and be responsible for the position of General Director in the company I worked for. I tried to cope with everything, but I was failing in all aspects. It was the worst period of my life and it was supposed to be the happiest.
A few months later I hit the rock bottom. Everything was falling apart. Privately and professionally. Just before Christmas, I made a resolution. Until then I never believed in resolutions, but at that moment it was the straw I needed to hold on to strongly with both hands. I wanted to become not just a good and dedicated father but the best friend and support my son can ever have. Since then, I am doing that every day, the best I can.
The first thing I did was one of the toughest things I did in my life. I demoted myself from the company’s top position so I could work more from home. First time in my professional career I took a position with fewer responsibilities and which was paid less than a third of the wage I used to have. The next few months put a dent in my confidence and feeling of worth. I had significantly less revenue. It has been difficult to start choosing less quality food, clothes… but I had no other choice. I was closer to depression than ever before. I asked myself every day how my child can be proud of me if I can’t afford him the best things that are available. After a few weeks, I realized that all my baby wanted was my time, my gentle touch, to talk to him, to read to him. It was a way out for me. I was finally happy and fulfilled. I learned to optimize my available resources and to live well with less. I was spending hours of quality time with my son. I was a useful partner and support to my wife. Life had meaning again.
Seven years later, I am still true to my Christmas resolution. I am still working from home. I spend at least 3-4 hours every day of quality time with my son. I work for two companies and have more financial resources than I did before.
I learned to optimize my time. To go to bed at the same time as my kid and to wake up at 4:00 AM starting to work shortly after. The toughest and most important tasks always must be done by the time my son wakes up. My remaining working hours are split into a couple of hours blocks until 9:00 PM. I manage to have 60+ hours working a week and to always have a few hours each day for my kid. My old social life is not existing anymore, but I found a few new friends who have kids similar age to my son. My social hours and places are in the parks, playgrounds, beaches, and my son’s taekwondo club.
I am doing good. I am happy. You can learn a lot from other parents with a similar story to yours. Build with them a special bond. Share ideas, questions, and solutions on how to make both careers of a father and a professional career. Not to struggle between the two but to thrive. At the same time, you can look, observe, and learn about your children’s behavior, environment, and challenges. You are there to help, advise, guide, and provide positive examples when needed. You are not just hearing from the others what happened, you are there when your children need you. Not just to act, judge, and make decisions… but to learn by paying attention to them when they play and interact. That is what a good father is all about. To be there for your kid when they need you, to understand exactly what happened to them, to understand the evolution of their challenges, to understand the environment they are growing up in, and to help them when they need it accordingly. I am still making mistakes. I am still learning every day. But I am doing my best without excuses. I am a happy father with a great kid.
