By MSc Gvapo Tripinovic
Why should a father listen to his children?
Listening to your children helps them develop self-confidence and self-esteem, be aware that they are not alone, and always have a father to get their back.
When I listen to my kid, I tell him I am here for him for whatever he may need me. Is that an issue he is wrestling with, a dilemma he needs to solve, a new puzzle bogging him, or just a story he wishes to tell me? It is not essential. What is important is that his father is there for him when he needs him to listen to what he has to say. This approach will develop a better connection with your kid. Using it, a child will know that a dad is available whenever he is needed, and not just on some special occasions or emergencies. A child will learn that a dad is there all the time. For serious talk or just for a chit chat. When this bond is formed, waiting time and reluctance for your child to be ready to talk about something causing pain will be shorter, and the conversation will be more natural and fluent.
For a father to fulfill his role of the listener, a father needs to be available, to understand why and what his kid is talking about (check my article: Updated father), and does his kid needs his father’s help or just listening.
As a father, I always have one thought. No one will ever trust you fully for granted. Yet, a child will always trust his father. That’s the start of a father’s relationship with his child. Please don’t throw it away, as once spoiled, you will never get it back.
Everyone can like so many things in their surroundings, life style, work, relationships, sports, parties, TV shows. But my kid’s unconditional trust and love in me, that’s something I can’t and will never let that go because I am lazy, because of someone else requirements, a job, or because something else is more convenient at that moment. Listening to my child is the key to an everlasting bond of trust and support.
I will use one example from my professional life to present this more clearly. I worked for a dozen companies as a top-tier manager, CEO, Project Leader, and high-ranked governmental official. In many aspects, building relationships in the companies is very similar to relationships and building up your role in the family. I have seen and experienced firsthand that the same individuals will thrive in one company and barely survive the day in another. Same individuals, same positions. What is different? Excellent and inferior leadership.
In one company, managers will push you to the limits. Managers will look all the time if you are doing something wrong. They constantly seek if you have fulfilled your norm, seek the numbers and performances, the emails you have responded to, and how many calls you have made that day. You can not thrive in such a company. That is a dictatorship where a different way of thinking and initiative are undesired.
In another company, the managers will know your name, ask if they can do or provide something to help you do your job better, if you are OK, and do have some ideas how could the job be done better. That’s the company; that’s the family; you can thrive, develop your full potential, achieve goals, be happy, and love, not just like, the people next to you. It’s a huge difference.
Listening to people and trusting them is something profound and game-changing. It is not fiction. If you don’t have such a job, you probably know someone who has. And if a company can have that, what excuse can a father have not to provide it to his child? None.
What happens if the father doesn’t listen to his child?
There is a large number of video files on YouTube showing an experiment done on the monkey. I will not go into the details. I will just provide the highlights and then explain why it is essential for this article. A young monkey was taken and put into a cage. He ferociously tries to break out just to get hurt each time. After many attempts, he gives up and sits in the center of the cage. After some time, his cage has been replaced with the one from which he could probably escape. Yet, the monkey doesn’t even attempt. The understanding struck me that a father can do the same thing to his child, even with the best intentions.
We always think our kids are too young to judge what is best for them. We condition them with what they need to do before they get what they want. Please do your homework, clean your room, wash the dishes, do some extra reading, use these expensive toys we purchased until I finish my work. By the time everything is done, we conclude that the request from our kid to go outside and play with friends is not what best suits us anymore. It is already nighttime. After long working hours, we prefer to go to the restaurant or mall to rest after a long and busy day.
I am sure everyone could find himself easily in these descriptions. Why am I mentioning this? Rigid rules parents impose on their children and do not listen to what they have to say, to what they would like to do… that is making that same cage around them. It is not a visible cage but a very real one.
Our child has no one closer than us. If I, as a father, do not have time for my son. Not even to listen to him carefully when he has something to say. If I am imposing rules and demands I declare are the best for him. In reality, I comfort myself that they are the best because deep inside, I know these rules and demands are just an easier option for me.
If my child does everything I requested and then doesn’t get rewarded. The reward he worked hard to get, and he hoped he deserved. Then why even should he try? Why bother? Why then and why ever in his life?
If a father does not listen to his child, he will not be able to understand his child’s needs. How can he raise his child to a healthy individual where his ideas are appreciated, and his efforts, ambitions, and hard work don’t bring adequate rewards?
Fathers, listen when your kids have something to say. Don’t cage them. Don’t make your biggest treasure a passive creature.
Passive kids fear expressing themselves to come up with initiatives or ideas. They feel invisible and invaluable to everyone. Passive kids always expect to receive “NO” to whatever they wish to do, dream about or achieve. Is this what a good father should do or precisely the opposite? A father should be his child’s best support to grow and develop to their best potential. Don’t get your daily obligations, work, other people’s needs, or your comfort to decide what is best for your child. That’s laziness and selfishness. You can read more about “Snowplow parents” and their catastrophic effects here: How ‘snowplow parents’ create barriers (inquirer.com) or How Parents Are Robbing Their Children of Adulthood – The New York Times (nytimes.com)
I decide that my child deserves much more. I listen to my son carefully so I can help him achieve, grow, and develop, so he can make his dreams come true. To do that, every child needs to learn from their own failures and experiences. If they get stuck, they will come to us for advice or to just talk about it.
If they come for advice, don’t spoil all their efforts by solving the problem yourself. Please help your child see the situation differently and then let it try again.
If your child wants you to listen only, resist the urge to provide the advice no one asked for. In this case, your presence and attention are enough – silent support; no one asked for advice.
Let your kid have a strong personality, an understanding of how they should solve problems, persistence, and their own opinion. That’s a good thing.
How can active listening help a father to understand his children better?
I find that listening is a skill a father must learn to be very good at if he intends to understand and react accordingly to his child’s needs. It starts when your child is born. Your baby amuses you, but you have no clue what all this giggling or crying means. I just listened and did my best to guess if my son was happy, sad, hungry, sleepy, in pain, or bored. I was thrilled when I got it right and was rewarded with a smile, laugh, and comfortable sleep. We all start to understand all these subtle differences in signals our baby provides. Yet, the moment our child starts to talk, we begin to lose that essential skill we started to be good at – listening. Effectively, each parent gets relaxed with the notion that now we talk, everything is clear. The truth is that it is not. All of us still need that skill to listen, and as our child grows, we need to be better at that skill if we wish to understand that person we helped create, grow and develop.
Listening is a skill that you will not be taught in school, university, on your job, or even at home. It is a skill a good father must learn. Most of us start very well when our kids are born, and then we give up and forget even what we knew.
I like a sentence by Simon Sinek, Any Successful Person MUST Do This! | Simon Sinek – YouTube: “You are a good listener if other person feels heard.” The point is not that you can repeat back what someone else said. You can record yourself on some device and play it back, but that doesn’t mean your device understood any of it. It repeats your words, or if you have a good AI, it will get something out of it. But you are not understood. You don’t feel perceived.
Moms are much better than us in this. Mothers usually easier understand that when their child is talking about some issue that is bothering them is not really that issue they are talking about but something else. When children are trying to give us a hint, the larger the problem is, the more layers they will put around it, so they are not embarrassed or additionally hurt.
Fathers don’t get this at first, quite often never. We like to jump to conclusions and provide quick solutions without listening to the end of the problem being presented to the end.
The truth is that fathers like to show their affection. Father will do something instead of telling his child a simple “I love you,” or to listen carefully, or to hear and understand what has been meant, as explained in Why Fathers Downplay Feelings – Scientific American and The understated affection of fathers (theconversation.com).
The modern world is complex. Fathers’ and mothers’ roles overlap, and children are exposed to different, positive and negative, influences more than ever since the birth of humankind. To help their children be healthy and happy, fathers need to listen with an understanding of the meaning behind the words. To understand not the simple words but what has been told. To know how to really help.
That is why listening is one of the father’s primary roles: to know how to listen, so his child feels heard. Only then will a complete understanding between the two be accurate and mutually felt. Only then will a father understand, without that being said aloud, if his child needs him to fix something or to be listened to and understood. If a father doesn’t have this skill, the reaction will always be to try to fix something, to provide examples, facts, and figures. In many cases, that’s not what is asked of him. A father needs to be there for his child and listen, comprehend, understand, provide sympathy, stand there and be quiet if needed, and not object or argue what is common sense or make conclusions.
Reaching there can be long and frustrating if we try to reconnect with our child after a long time of not listening and misunderstanding each other. In this case, the initial predisposition is that both sides don’t honestly believe it is achievable, despite wanting this to happen. With our culture of wanting everything right now, this can be unachievable. But we need to start from somewhere. I began to control my urge to jump to conclusions and do my best to listen and follow the emotions on my son’s face.
We all interact with these situations daily. We need to be patient and control ourselves, not be annoyed when we see what we do not like.
If a child feels heard, you will see that. The next important step is to continue to listen! That’s just a start, as for any forming of new habits, you will need at least two months to make a new habit, How long does it take to form a habit? | UCL News – UCL – University College London. If you are overriding your old habit with a new one, it can take much longer, which was my case. So, don’t give up, and don’t credit yourself too early. Be persistent. Learn to listen to what your children have to say.
I also highly recommend that you start a conversation with your kid in a place where it feels the safest. It can be their room, yard, or area where you like to walk or play. Not to stress the child or to put him on a defensive, start and ground the conversation with something like this: “You are not in any trouble. As your father, I can feel you have some doubts. I am here to help, and I will listen without judging whatever you have to say. Take as much time as you need. I am here for you.” Then listen the best you can, be faithful to the promise you just said no matter what, and stop your urge to jump in. Just listen. Wait when your child stops talking, as it can be just trying to find more words to articulate thoughts better. If you pay attention and listen, you will know when it’s your turn to talk and if that is asked of you. Be ready that the conversation will not start soon, or even that same day. Let your child prepare when and how to open it. That is part of listening and trust.
Always remember that a father can not be a good listener if he talks more than he listens. To be a listener, you must listen and give your kid enough space and time to talk. Don’t reply promptly to any answer or statement you don’t like or you know is in some grey area. Don’t compare your kid with the others. If you do this, as I have witnessed so many times dealing with the people, you will prompt a defense response. Defense response has nothing to do with your kid being relaxed, sincere, or open to talking. Your child will feel threatened and will put up all shields it can muster and defend from an attack coming from you. With this, you can not build trust. Without patience, a father will not make his child safe and build up that special bond of faith he is supposed to make. Always remember, a father needs to understand first what listening is. Father needs to listen and be his child’s safety zone. It will not happen if you don’t know what listening is; if you try to squeeze the truth you would like to hear right there by interrogating your kid. You might have some short gains, but you will lose much more. Do more listening, less talking, and have a lot of patience.
When you hear something you don’t like, I bet the first reaction will be to reason your kid. I did the same in the past. You will try to lecture them not to do that again as soon as you hear something you find outrageous. But if you do that, the listening is over. You will put your kid in that defense mode where you will get nothing more from it. You will not hear the core of the problem. So, please, urge yourself to continue listening. Instead of saying something that will start with “But” and “How could you,” say something like “I am still listening.”
If you are worried or agitated with something you have heard, keep your voice down, don’t attack, and try to rephrase what you have just heard with something like, “If I understood you well, you have… am I correct?”. If you do that, your child will confirm, add more details about why and how it has come to that, or it will correct you, and you will get one step closer to the cause and understanding of how and why things went as they did. Once you have more details and explanations, you validate what they said and conclude that part of the conversation with, “I hear you. So you did that because of this and that. OK, now I get it better.”
To understand the core problem, you need to listen. It is the same principle I use, as a manager, in dealing with the people I am in charge of. It is the same with almost all people.
By listening more, for your child to feel heard and to feel that you follow the story, to see that you are engaged, validate their efforts, and you do your best to understand the core and the root of the problem, they will know that you are there for them. It will make a difference in that and future conversations.
You must not victimize yourself if you hear something that worries you and has hurt you. Don’t use sentences like “You have disappointed me,” “How could you do that…” or “What have you been thinking…”. Avoid that “you” in response. Don’t attack. It will spoil all efforts and gains you made that far. Instead, use something like “That makes me sad to hear,” “I feel sad you struggle with that,” and then conclude, “How can I help with that so we can together make things better,” “How I can be helpful so we could solve this,” “How you think I could be helpful,” “What can I do to help.” In your response emphasize “I” and “we“. That way, your kid will not be threatened but will feel that you are providing support and empathy. Your kid will know he has been heard, that is not alone, and can count on his father to help solve the problem.
Once a father learns how to listen, understand and validate the true meaning of what his child is saying, he will be in a way better position than anyone else to provide them with what they truly need, not what he or anyone else thinks they need.
If a father does not develop the skill to listen, he can spend his life doing everything he can to provide for his children and give them the best advice, yet he will fail. The gap between him and his children will grow, and he will never understand why. When the children realize they are not heard, validated, or understood, they will quit on you too. Father will be a dear person, a provider, a protector, but never the closest person they could have. This is the missed opportunity the vast majority of fathers face. In so many cases, fathers never understand why they can’t reach their children as they used to when they were those cute babies. Because we stopped to listen! That’s why. We hear, but we don’t understand the words’ meaning or the silence we hear. That’s why for a father is essential to keep developing his skill of listening. Always.