My kid, eight years old, recently told me he has difficulty dealing with some annoying children at school and asked for advice on how to deal with them. A few older boys found it fun to annoy a few younger kids daily. Nothing dramatic or abusive, but highly annoying and mood-ruining.
In my 20+ years of professional career, I had, more than I would like, witnessed cases of people being difficult, annoying, and exploitative—both in the office and outside.
This will be an article on how to deal with annoying people in your surroundings and how to act preventively to fend them off. It applies to both young and adults.
The situations almost always have the same start. The same as my kid described to me. The “annoying person” address you. The argument is starting. You can feel your chicks beginning to warm up. Your palms are starting to get wet. Your breath is beginning to get shorter. Emotions are starting to pump up, and you feel your discomfort and anger rising each second. To de-escalate, as anyone normally would, you take a deep breath and walk away. A few seconds later, it hits you what you could say or do, but the moment has already passed. And you say to yourself: “next time…”. Yet, next time is the same.
A boring biological explanation is that stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenalin, flood our bodies. Our brain’s ability to think and talk rationally decreases as the rest of our body is overtaking and preparing for possible survival actions when talking is not the priority. Don’t blame yourself for not saying something you could in a stressful moment. Reacting, as per our wishes, is a matter of experience and self-control.
What would be desirable is that you and your child learn how to deal with these stressful situations so that things don’t escalate and for you to have a better and happier life. The other side will react like a hawk if you prove visibly weaker. You will be targeted day after day. The more vulnerable your position becomes, the stronger and more important the oppressors will feel. In the long run, this can cause mental, social, and other issues we wish to avoid.
Young children can be affected by this for life. I know. I was bullied in elementary, and I still remember all that very vividly more than 30 years later. It did not physically harm me, but I needed years to recover from all that. That gave me the strength to learn other people’s behaviors, and in the end, it led me to be a successful business person.
What should we do, and how do we handle annoying people?
It would be tough to change them or their behavior. Not impossible, but it would require much of our energy and time to spend on someone who probably doesn’t want to be changed. What we need to change is our reaction to annoying people.
First, we tend to put the annoying people in different boxes, as they are not all the same. What I do is the following. I have a few boxes for the annoying people in my head with a face and title on them:
* Texting person – always ignoring everything, sticking to the screen, and relentlessly typing. They don’t need to do anything in particular, yet you get annoyed as they always completely ignore you.
* Better than anyone – always need to say something after everyone to prove they are the best. To have a better story, watch, car, dress, pen, whatever.
* Gossipers – they need to say something about everyone. Always there to say something “interesting” to others about you when you come nearby. Just to stir you up and then quietly laugh if you react in any way.
* Little Liars – the ones who will invent any story to jolt you. In school, they will tell the teacher you did something you did not. In the office, they will tell colleagues and your superior that you did something wrong or inadequate.
* Righteous people will hunt you down and meticulously explain why you should do this or that better. They will try to forcibly teach you all you need to know to be a better person and more successful.
* Funny people – will take any opportunity to make fun of you and then tell you, with a big fake smile, that they are just joking.
I am pretty sure that everyone can find the people described near them. To have their face in their mind clearly and nod while saying – “Yup. I know them very well.”
The solution to this might surprise you as the best thing we can do is to change ourselves and our reactions to them. Why? Because it is you or your kid that is affected by them. Wasting your energy and time in a futile attempt to change the world to a better place sounds nice but will not work. What you can do is change yourself and help your kid to do the same. It is your health. Your stress you need to deal with. That is where your efforts will be rewarded, and your life will improve.
So, where do we start? We have already begun by identifying the type of annoying people’s behavior – the first step. We already know what to expect from them, which is the second step. Then we focus on how to influence their and our behavior – third and fourth steps, respectively.
We are progressing, right?
But is it all that clear and straightforward, and are we making the correct perception of these behaviors? Let’s take a step back and try to screen our perception of these actions.
Conclusions – step 1. and the issue with labeling people:
Imagine this scenario. We see one of these annoying persons trying to take advantage in some particular situation. We immediately dislike that person, commenting on how aggressive and opportunistic he or she is.
Suppose we see some kid doing that to our child. Our anger will most probably skyrocket.
But, if our child, partner, or friend acts in that same aggressive pattern, we will approve of it. We will talk about how passionate and dedicated they are to achieving their goals or getting what they desire.
To address this adequately, we must first be aware of our biases, stay calm, and asses the situation appropriately.
Conclusions – step 2. and do we really know what to expect from the person we have labeled:
To answer this, we need to stay calm to ask ourselves why that person is acting that way. What drives him? Does he have some issues?
I know. It’s easier said than done at that particular moment. But if you or your child is having a problem with the same person repeatedly, you can have time to make some analysis.
The answer is straightforward if you ask yourself why you should make all that effort. You must. It is your and your child’s mental peace and health at stake. If you don’t at least try to understand the source of the issue, how will you solve it or at least blunt it? You can’t. Except to move away if possible. You and your child might develop a different mentality if you do the latter. You will always try to move aside by avoiding everyone and avoiding problems. That will not lead you to success if you or your child have some ambitions which might be affected by the active social life of urban societies. So, take some time, take a deep breath, and ask questions.
I have witnessed the following so many times in my professional career as a top-tear manager or project leader or at the park when kids start to tease each other. Speak normally. Not too soft, or no one will hear you. Not too loud, as you will join the argumentation. Just talk as usual and ask questions.
Once children or adults face someone who stands his ground, doesn’t yell, and asks simple questions, they tend to provide answers. Once you have the answers, you will most likely know how to act next.
Knowing how and why all that started in the first place and avoiding your bias will drastically reduce the uncertainty. Following this, you will be closer to solving issues.
Conclusions – step 3. and how to positively influence “annoying people” behavior:
The fundamental principle of positively influencing annoying, aggressive, or conflicting people we interact with is to be calm and de-escalate situations. It is much harder to do with the kids as they are more emotional and sensitive. Just be more patient.
The no-no is using sentences containing “you,” such are: “You have done this,” “You have started,” “You were supposed to,” and so on. As soon as we do that, we will trigger other person defenses and rebuff you with their version of why you or your child have done much worse. This will lead to escalation, further tensions, and not solving your problem.
Instead, listen and use sentences containing “we and us,” such are: “We should calm down,” “let us talk about what happened here,” and “we should solve this together.” With this, we are giving another side a reason to calm down, so they can say their side of the story.
Another potent pivotal moment can be a “small gift.” Imagine a situation in the park where the kids scream at each other without the slightest desire to hear the other side. One of the easiest ways to calm them down is to offer them something that will make their mouths busy with chewing. Bribe them. Give them whatever you have: popcorn, M&M’s, some crunchy snack. While they are “busy,” tell them that they are all good kids and to calmly say, one by one, about what happened there and slowly de-escalate the situation. Put a smile on your face, if you can, as others will follow. That is part of normal human reaction and behavior. When you compliment people and kids on acting reasonably, eating together and making them smile will positively influence them and de-escalate tension. From there, you can solve even the problem that triggered all that.
Good parents should know this. It will help them and their kids.
Conclusions – step 4. and how to positively adjust our and our child’s behavior:
To positively adjust our and our child’s behavior, we need to be honest with ourselves and admit that we are, for sure, by someone’s standards, annoying person. We like to say how proud we are of ourselves and our child’s determination and assertiveness and that we are action-oriented to achieve success. That’s how we write a good CV. But be sure that someone else will see that as arrogance, aggressiveness, lack of care and compassion, or something worse.
With this self-awareness, we can practice with our children the next step. Take a deep breath. Two to three seconds to inhale and five seconds to exhale. Repeating this a few times will saturate your blood with more oxygen which has a calming effect and reduces stress. When you are not practicing, you can teach your children to say a couple of calming sentences, like: “This is not doing us any good. Let us see why we are arguing. Maybe there is a better way we can solve this.”
Simple counting means nothing except that some time has passed. We can get even angrier by the time we finish counting. But, when we say a few sentences, such are those mentioned above, and include inclusive words – us and we – we actively seek to de-escalate. With that, we adjust our behavior and the person we are in conflict with.
A good dad, a good parent, will teach his children how to be happier, more socially likable, and healthier. How to “swim easier” and be more successful in the urban jungle we all live in and interact together.
By understanding human behaviors, we will label people less. We don’t need to like all of them. That would be futile. But our social interaction will be easier, and our life will be healthier without that excess stress. Be an updated dad and check my next article.