There are many people around who annoy or make our lives difficult. With most of them, we can live together, understand them better or make friends to make this issue easier and overcome it. You can read about it in my article: “How can an intelligent dad outwit difficult, annoying people?”
Yet, there is a particular category of people with whom most of us cannot function normally. This is an article about: how to deal with jerks and bullies.
What is astonishing to me is how little attention this topic has. Academic papers are talking about it, but more valuable and applicable to everyday people and parents is needed.
Bullies are ever-present, and by the report, one in two persons has experienced bullying of some sort in the past 12 months, while one in five students officially reports being bullied.
From the moment you start going to school, in the office, in your neighborhood to play, bullies are there. There are just a few of them, but enough to make your life miserable if you don’t know how to assess and deal with them. When your child raises this topic, a good parent must listen carefully and provide support and help.
I needed to face jerks and bullies as a kid in elementary and high school and later in my professional career.
When I was a kid, one of my main thoughts was that they would disappear once I grew up, as no intelligent adult can act like them. Surprise! They continue to exist on every level of society and in every environment. Many are thriving, while society prise and often labels them as examples of successful people. They are shown as examples of how one should act to be successful. A few of them are on many lists: Steve Jobes (Apple co-founder), Travis Kalanick (Uber co-founder), and Evan Spiegel (Snapchat co-founder). While many famous people admit to being victims of relentless bullying at a young age: Elon Musk, Mark Ruffalo, Rihanna, Eminem, and Michael Phelps, among them. That fact alone raises many questions on its own.
I have worked in top-ranked positions for the past 20+ years: private enterprises, large international companies, and government institutions. I was an executive, company director, company owner, project manager, team leader, and adviser.
With that in mind, and based on my experience and observations, I consider myself qualified to talk on this topic.
To deal with this issue, I used my experience, learned from other respectable sources, and examined their studies and experiences.
I put dealing with this issue together for both adults and their children. The main difference between tormentors is whether they are younger and in the “developing phase” or mature bullies and jerks.
So, how can an intelligent dad outsmart jerks and bullies to help himself and his children?
First, we need to know with whom we are dealing, categorize them, and act accordingly.
By the Association for Psychological Science, we should be aware of the three dark characteristics of the significant part with whom we deal: psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism (strategists).
Neither will have a second thought about you if they think they can use you or if you are on their way to get what they want. The scientists from the University of Bern (Why Office Jerks Get Ahead – Association for Psychological Science – APS) took the results of a survey of nearly 800 working German adults between the ages of 25 and 34. The survey asked the participants if they find themselves in the following statements: “I tend to want others to pay attention to me” (for narcissism), “I tend to lack remorse” (for psychopathy), and “I tend to manipulate others to get my way” (for Machiavellianism/strategists). The results are compared to their company positions and salaries. The study concludes that Narcises and strategists fared very well. At the same time, psychopaths have ups and downs but still keep a nice portion of top positions.
So when you describe the difficult person you are dealing with as a narcissist or psychopath, you may not be that far from the truth.
Why do young and grown-ups take bullies and jerks as often as their leaders?
Because strategists, narcissists, and psychopaths have, at least at first glance, the traits we look to find in a leader.
They are: erupting with self-confidence, good-looking, charismatic, know their goals, and are achievers. Not because they care for others but because they care for themselves and their ideas. They will not even blink to lie, deceive and manipulate to achieve their goals. And when they do all that, they will not have conciseness to bother them after or to stop them from repeating that.
Why those people are like that is an entirely different topic, and my focus here will be how to handle them, so they can’t harm our children or us. To do that, I will provide conclusions on how we can directly deal with bullies and what society (institutions and companies) can do about it:
How can an intelligent dad outsmart jerks and bullies?
To answer this correctly, we need to understand our position of power in this dealing. The function of power can be our physical, mental, or social strength. We can have three options, and I will start from the easiest to the most difficult.
Conclusions: How to deal with a bully if we are in a better position of power than they are?
Although this seems to be an easy position to deal with the bullies and jerks, it is not. In today’s society, we need to be civilized. As executives or superiors, we are expected to deal with all the issues calmly and peacefully. The other side will try to take advantage of this, avoid any responsibility, and move on, as usual, making excuses. We can call them slimy, wet, or other names. At the same time, we learn the other side’s incredible ability to dodge our polite and civilized attempts to solve the issues they are causing.
This behavior can seriously disrupt activities in the collective and negatively affect its productivity.
If you are a child, you need to pay attention, so you do not be labeled as a bully and menace while trying to handle the issue.
The most effective and preventive action against this kind of complicated person is to implement: “no jerks allowed“.
What exactly does the “no jerks allowed” policy mean?
When you hire people to work for your company or the department you are leading, or if some other kid would like to join your group to play, you spell a straightforward rule on the first contact: “We don’t tolerate jerks here. If you can’t play nicely, we suggest you find some other place”.
It is imperative that your organization, company, or a group of kids, agree to this policy and implement it without exceptions. If you do that, you will be much happier and more productive. That decision alone can differentiate between anxiety and depression or motivation and success.
Most will be discouraged by this, but some will try to be innovative. When bullies try something mean, you should kick them the exact moment out, or, if you are really nice, give them one last clear warning you will not tolerate that.
Conclusions: How to deal with a bully if we are in the same position of power as they are?
This is the most common case where we will face bullies. It can be in a group of children playing, marriage, or office.
Before everything, we must conclude that the bully is not above us by any means. Just someone of the same importance as we are who is pretending to be in charge.
Then we need to implement 3 steps for facing bully:
1. We should stay calm and listen to that person to ensure we correctly interpret things said to and about us. No need to make a war just out of the possible sensible moment we are in. But listen carefully.
2. Second time you are addressed negatively by the same person, keep your posture and listen carefully as much as possible. Try to remember everything that has been said to you and about you. Analyze that information alone or with someone close. With your partner or close friend, for example. If you find arguments against you not to be valid, then be prepared for the next attack on you if it occurs.
3. If the same person attacks you for the third time, then be sure that it is not just for fun or whatever reason. That person has the intention to take you down. It would help you greatly not to allow that. Be civilized, but stand your ground firmly and confront by using the arguments you already have at hand (step 2.).
If the bully tries to evade you with some excuses, don’t accept that. Be clear that there are no misunderstandings and say clearly and loud enough, so other colleagues can hear it: “It is not a misunderstanding. You have said that about me then and then and here and here. I will not ignore it anymore. So, say what this is all about now so we can finish with it.”
Put the facts in. Stand your ground, and don’t back off until this is resolved. Refrain from accepting vague reasons, tears, or screening. Be civilized and persist. After this bully is aware that you are not an easy target and will:
- Back off for good.
- Talk and tell you his reasons why is upset with you.
- Superiors will be involved and forced to solve it.
The same goes if you are a child or young adult.
There is a good YouTube by Dr. Jordan Peterson video touching on this same topic which I highly recommend as I find it complementary to my experience.
Conclusions: How to deal with a bully in the upper position of power?
They will be exceptional and tough to handle.
When an organization has top-tier toxic management, it will not care much about the people’s happiness. They will pursue their goals and seek people similar to them to help them achieve their objectives. They expect their staff to be “tough skin.” According to Bob Sutton, jerks like to work with jerks. If you are not one of them, you will face temper tantrums, verbal attacks, abusive supervision, or worse.
If you are a kid in school, you will recognize them as bullies who will do what they like. They scream, are aggressive, and take it for fun to humiliate others or take other kids’ snacks for granted and as they please.
Facing them alone can lead to: sleep deprivation, anxiety, depression, poor performance, lack of motivation, spreading toxic behavior to others you are in contact with, and other adverse side effects of dealing with bullies.
1. If possible, keep your distance from them.
If you are working in the office, you should look to move away from the bully. If you are not close, someone else will deal with them. If you are near, try to move your work position away from the “hot spot.” Limit your exposure to them. Find whatever excuse you can to do that.
If you work remotely, and your bully superior is still driving you crazy by calling/texting/emailing you every few minutes, chill out. Refrain from responding to every message or email you receive. Wait for an hour and then nicely reply to everything you received in the previous hour or non-working hours. If you are asked why you need so much time to respond, you can say that you worked on your other tasks – which you should.
2. Make your bully look funny.
Try not to look your bully superior in the eyes. Watch his eyebrows, his nose, mouth, or some other detail. Try to ignore the words and tone. You will notice how these “details” move and look funny. Try to focus on them. This can help you dilute their aggressive behavior. The more you do this, the easier it will be to avoid getting hurt.
3. Change the department within the same organization you are working.
If the organization you are working for is large and has few departments/branch offices, try to get relocation. Invent water sound reasons you can have.
You already know the organization; you already know your job. It will be much easier to continue your career there but change the toxic people around you than to find a new job.
4. Time distancing.
If you need to stay in one position as it will improve your future options for career development, then try time distancing.
Tie distancing is to look where you will be in a year or two from now. Imagine your future environment and where you would really like to be. Your current hard time is just a temporary step that will lead you to the better place you want to be.
It is up to your mental constitution how you will perceive when facing them off: nightmare or as a challenge.
5. If none of the strategies helps, then you should consider changing your work environment and finding another job.
While leaving your “job from Hell,” it would be best if you do nothing to burn the bridges behind you. Please don’t make the show out of it despite the possible temptation.
Once you are out of the environment that is driving you nuts, these same people who were the cause of your problems can behave normally.
I had this while working for one governmental institution. Once I left my position, the people who drove me crazy became OK. Once outside the office, many of them are friendly and helpful in some cases.
Please note that there is no unique strategy how for dealing with bullies. Humans are more complicated than that. You need to be aware of the options and techniques available, as well as your own biases. Then try to combine and apply what you know best for the specific case you are facing.
If bullies are hierarchically above you, the best way to deal with bullies is to leave that toxic organization. Join the environment with a “no jerks allowed” policy, as described in the text above. If you have other, better options, don’t waste your life, happiness, and health on bad people.
