How often have you felt that you have something important to say? Wanted to share a story with your partner, give your boss some vital information, or give your children a grain of wisdom, and no one is listening? We have all faced that.
The difference is that the more often we are heard, the more self-confident and bold we become to go further. Conversely, the less we feel listened to, we will develop self-esteem issues and start sweating when we have to say or even type anything important.
It is also essential to be clear that the fact someone likes to speak a lot doesn’t mean that person is amusing and attracts an auditorium of happy listeners. Such a person can be annoying and cause much damage if not sensible and careful.
The good side is that anyone can learn to speak to others, so they like to listen. Becoming socially desirable in a world where connectivity is ever-present is a vital skill for our children and us to master and use well.
I have a few sins that haven’t helped me much in my early years. Only at university and later in my professional career have I learned how to speak better, more precisely, and effectively.
In the text below, I will list my 8 conversational sins and how I turned them into valuable skills:
1. How to overcome cynism?
When young and rebellious, being cynical is cool. My first sin resulted from the fact that I could not fit easily into any group of popular kids. Through the years, I found a few similar to me, and we have been proud to cherish that “skill” and humor. It was our armor and pride.
When I started my first job, being cynical didn’t help. It didn’t help me make new friends in the company, make my conversation with the boss easy, or grow business networking. I needed to change or remain isolated and left on the margins.
To change my old habit, I needed to be persistent in my wish to change and give myself a couple of months to take effect.
The easiest way to change old habits is to make new ones as simple as possible. In my case, that was to always be honest and straightforward with constructive ideas. Instead of being cynical, I become open and ready to share my knowledge, skills, and ideas. Instead of being negative, I’ve become optimistic and prepared to help others. I’ve become humble and accepted arguments and ideas from my colleagues, which have been better than my proposals and helped them materialize.
It was surprising that the easiest way to join some groups was to offer them something of value. A cake or help. Both worked the best. Once the others get used to that, they will become open to you and ready to return the favor with knowledge and skills they are good at. That’s how bonds and friendships are made. Of course, not everyone will be respectful or grateful, but you don’t need to make friends with everyone, nor should you insist on it.
2. How not to be repetitive and boring?
Take your time with ideas. Be clear with your statements.
Let them have the beginning, facts/actions, and results.
If something is noteworthy, be free to repeat that fact or action once again, but not more. Repeating important points more than necessary is something I still struggle with from time to time.
It must be clear when your audience notes that you have repeated something because it is essential, and they should remember that. If you overuse this “action,” no one will remember what you repeated so many times, as you will be boring.
Be authentic. Refrain from copying your colleagues’ behaviors, ideas, and jokes. Just be your positive self.
Storytelling skills are some of the most important you will ever learn and use. Use a different voice tone for different things you wish to point out. Use intonations, or people will fall asleep.
To practice this skill set, you probably have all the equipment with you as you read this – your mobile phone. Record yourself as you practice explaining something.
I was ashamed when I first time saw the recording of myself. I thought I was excellent, but while watching the replay of my speech, it was clear I was repetitive; I needed to be more eloquent, I was biting my lips, and my hands were in my pockets…
Recording yourself while practicing your speech/presentation is as direct feedback as possible. Practice your tone, sentences, gestures, pose, and facial expressions. That is how others see you.
3. How not to judge others?
Judging others is part of our nature, and it is normal. It is a quick comparison of our strengths and weaknesses to our potential opponents.
If we focus too much on it, we start a problem that can quickly escalate to negative feelings, gossiping, rants, unnecessary confrontations, jealousy, being perceived as a bully or jerk, and all other things that will not help us. The tendency to judge people grows if we feel they are better than us.
By effectively controlling negative judgments escalate, we will increase our contentment and chance to cooperate and learn from someone who is potentially better than us.
Be curious, share information, and exchange ideas. Don’t assume – ask questions and know. It is the easiest way to find more real facts about our “potential opponents and competition.” The people you perceive as opponents and threats can become your best allies and friends. Discover more about them and allow them to share their knowledge with you.
Talking and getting direct insight into their abilities, vulnerabilities, and reasons for their choices will help you understand them better without superficial judgment and hostility.
4. How to overcome negativity?
One of the most significant issues when facing new people, projects, and issues is negativity. How many times have you heard, “I can’t do that,” “It’s too hard,” or “it’s impossible to work with that person.”
It’s quitting before even starting. Once started, it’s a vicious circle where each next cycle brings more negativity and excuses. With that attitude, you can’t make real success, nor will others be amused to be in the presence of negative people.
The cure for this is relatively simple. It requires a bit of time to change this bad habit and optimism:
- Wish people well, help them, and be nice to others; you will see the change in most of them.
- Believe in yourself. Give yourself a chance and time to do something meaningful.
- Track some skills and habits you would like to improve and on which you are actively working. See positive changes and how you have improved. Compare yourself to the month, six months, or a year ago. You will see the difference, which is observable and visible. Don’t compare yourself to others – only to yourself.
5. How to overcome complaining?
When you are complaining, your voice sounds different. It’s high and pitchy. You will not trust that voice. Suppose you hear others speaking that way; you can easily find them irritating.
Speak at a nice pace. Clear and straightforward. With a purpose and goal, but not in length.
Look how trained actors, speakers, and influential politicians are taking. They have their own pace and speak with a lower tone of voice.
Even when we know we should not trust them, we tend to listen to them when they speak.
If you are not like that, it’s not a problem. Neither were I. You can train that – voice and posture. If you don’t want to spend some money, there is YouTube. If you can afford it, take a voice coach. I was lucky. In my early career, I worked for the government, so the gov paid for my voicing and posture lessons.
It’s just training. You commit some time to this, and after a few weeks, you start seeing the results. Keep practicing and become better.
6. How to overcome excuses?
Be what you say. Suppose you give a promise or a deadline to do something and stick to it. Push it. Deliver it. Force it if needed until it becomes a habit. We become more realistic about how some actions require time and effort, and we will become better at doing them. Achieving tasks can be addictive in a positive way.
Take a paper, and write 10 the most important things you need to do that day. Not the easiest, but ten possible things will make that day a success. When completing each task, mark it very visibly with a pen. It is simple yet motivating and very satisfactory. Make a habit of this at the beginning of your every working day. You will learn to make things done. While doing this simple procedure, your confidence will grow, and you will become more success driven.
People will get used to trusting and relying on you. That is a fantastic thing I enjoy very much and am sure you will too.
Please do it for a month. See the difference yourself.
7. How to listen more and be less opinioned about everything?
I will use one example from my professional life to present this more clearly. I worked for a dozen companies as a top-tier manager, CEO, Project Leader, and high-ranked governmental official. In many aspects, developing relationships in the companies is similar to relationships and building up your role in the family. I have seen and experienced firsthand that the same individuals will thrive in one company and barely survive the day in another. Same individuals, same positions. What is different? Excellent and inferior leadership.
In one company, managers will push you to the limits. Managers will look all the time if you are doing something wrong. They constantly seek if you have fulfilled your norm, seek the numbers and performances, the emails you have responded to, and how many calls you have made that day. You can not thrive in such a company. That is a dictatorship where a different way of thinking and initiative are undesired.
In another company, the managers will know your name, ask if they can do or provide something to help you do your job better, if you are OK, and have some ideas about how the job could be done better. That’s the company; that’s the family; you can thrive, develop your full potential, achieve goals, be happy, and love, not just like, the people next to you. It’s a huge difference.
Listening to people and trusting them is something profound and game-changing. It is not fiction. If you don’t have such a job, you probably know someone who has. And if a company can have that, what excuse can a father have not to provide it to his child? None.
8. How to master your subject?
Dedicate 15 minutes to one hour daily to learn about the topics you use — business-wise or things you like to discuss with your friends and family. Be knowledgeable about what you say.
Be consistent. Don’t skip a day. Ever! You can always find at least 15 min a day. You can read something while commuting or listen to excellent and authoritative podcasts and audiobooks internet is full.
I have done that myself for the past 20+ years, and I can rarely find anyone now who can rival my knowledge on the topics I find important.
Most importantly: don’t rant! Make your talk have a clear purpose and provide new and valuable information. Like an epic story, yours needs a satisfactory conclusion and applicable purpose.
Record yourself with the phone while practicing. Do your best to cut out all the sentences that have been boring and non-essential when you make&record the next attempt. Limit your time to no more than 3-5 minutes to what you have to say, and make it count.
Practice and be better. The more you practice, the more new habits and skills become part of you. You will use all, or most, of the new skills on the go and be better at them. At that moment, everyone will want to listen to you, including your children.
The list of sins here is not final, but it was mine. I hope my experience and methods to transform them into practical speaking skills have been helpful and of practical use.
